i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
