Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
