sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
