a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
