it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
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