tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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