Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
