we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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