There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
