i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
