i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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