i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
