I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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