nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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