Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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