i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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