I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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