She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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