Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
