So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's blow job season.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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