I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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