it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
