So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
