the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
