Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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