i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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