I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
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