When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just threw up on my dentist
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
