Plan B is the new Plan A
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
