Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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