Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
