So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
