I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
