She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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