Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
