Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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