yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
