I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
