ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
