i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
