I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
