I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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