Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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