I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
