I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
