john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
