Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i believe in u and ur pee
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
