barbara walters just said penis...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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