no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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