I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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